


The Dead Zone

by bellatemple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-18
Updated: 2009-09-18
Packaged: 2017-10-26 22:13:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellatemple/pseuds/bellatemple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can't get your calls, your precious emails.  It's like you don't even exist. . . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dead Zone

**Author's Note:**

> No, seriously, pure crack.

The motel was pretty much like any other that Sam and Dean had stopped at over the years -- tucked away against the woods, set back from civilization, not like the chain motels that lined the exits of the freeways. A throw back from the days before interstates, it boasted little more than flickering neon. Color TV and free ice were about the only amenities to be expected.

To Dean, it looked like home.

Well, aside from the scraggly old dude in a chartreuse sweater vest behind the counter. Home, Dean felt, should involve a woman with large breasts, a low cut blouse, and a friendly smile for weary travelers. But, well. He'd take what he could get. Maybe without the stuffed parrot sitting on the counter. What the hell was up with that?

"Only got one room left," the old man said. "But I doubt you'll want it."

Dean popped his head back in a silent laugh. "Why, it haunted?"

The old man froze, like he'd suddenly been shifted off script. Dean cast a glance at Sam, who shrugged. The old man blinked.

"Don't know about that. It's a dead zone. Can't get your calls, your precious emails. It's like you don't even exist."

"Spooky," Dean said flatly. Sam tilted his head.

"We've got Verizon." He glanced back over his shoulder, and Dean automatically followed his glance.

And caught sight of the giant crowd of people in hard hats standing in the parking lot, staring at them. A nerdy looking dude in font smiled, raising the hand that wasn't holding a tiny laptop in a thumbs up. "You're good!"

Dean spun on Sam. "Who the fuck are those people?!"

* * *

Dean pushed the curtains on the motel room window aside for the umpteenth time. Nerdy Guy and his hoard of hardhats was still there. He gave Dean a thumbs up again. Dean shut the curtain.

Behind him, Sam sighed. "It's the most reliable 3G network, Dean."

"How the hell didn't I notice 'em before?"

"It means we can access the web almost anywhere. Check emails, call Bobby for advice? You know, all that good stuff?"

"They're not exactly inconspicuous!"

"Are you even listening to me?"

Dean peeked out the window again. "They have cherry pickers! Holy crap, is that a helicopter?!"

"I should've known you'd react this way."

Nerdy Guy gave him yet another thumbs up. Dean tried to smile back. It was freaking creepy. "Dude, who's that cheerful to be standing out in a motel parking lot in the middle of the night? Don't those people have homes?"

"Dean, come on."

"There's a giant mob of people outside the window, Sam! And they're not going away!"

"They're making sure I can get my calls." Sam waved his precious phone in Dean's face. Dean grimaced and grabbed at it. He opened the window and chucked the phone out into the night.

"Dean!"

"Helicopter, Sam!"

"That was my --"

There was a knock at the door. Dean stared at it. Sam frowned and edged over to check the peephole, then opened the door.

Nerdy Guy stood there, bright eyed and bushy tailed at -- Dean checked his watch -- ass o'clock in the morning. He held up Sam's phone. "Lose something?"

Sam took it with a grin. "Thanks, man."

"It's what we're here for."

Sam closed the door. Dean stared at him. Sam looked back, that innocent little puppy look Dean had been getting for decades, now. "What?"

Dean shook his head and headed for the bathroom.

* * *

At oh-shit-the-sun's-coming-up o'clock, Sam started shifting around in bed. Dean glanced up from where he was packing weapons away in his duffel.

Sam blinked blearily at him, then bolted upright. "Dean, what're you doing?"

"I can't sleep with them out there like that, Sam."

Sam shook his head. "So, what, you're _leaving?_ "

Dean snorted. "Dude." He shook his head and zipped the duffel.

"Jesus, Dean, if it bothers you that much, I'll change phone companies!"

Dean shook his head. "You want 'your precious emails', Sammy. I get that, okay? I just gotta deal with things my way."

Sam's face went all kicked-puppy again. Dean shouldered the duffel bag and strode to the door. He took a deep breath, listened to Sam trip over the sheets in his haste to get to Dean's side, and opened the door.

The Verizon network was still there. All eyes were on Dean as he stepped into the parking lot. It was freaking creepy.

"Alright, you chuckleheads, here's the deal!" He pulled his gun from his waistband. "Raise your hands if you know how to use one of these."

A murmur ran through the crowd, then several hands started going up.

"Dean, what're you --"

"Shut up, Sam." Dean nodded to the folks with their hands raised and slipped the duffel back off his shoulder. "Right, you guys, get over here and arm up. The rest of you are on research duty."

Nerdy Guy frowned. "We're supposed to test the network."

"The network does fuck all if you're dead."

Another murmur through the crowd. Dean nodded grimly.

"Okay, first assignment: figure out where we can get anti-possession charms in bulk."

"Dean."

"In a minute, Sammy, I'm organizing. If you need a sample to see what you're looking for, I've got a couple here. Bonus points for anyone who can get us a rock salt subscription."

" _Dean._ "

Dean sighed. " _What_ , Sammy?"

Sam held up his phone. "There's an app for that."

* * *

Dean stood watch over the grave as Sam and three Verizon network guys dug. When Sam's phone rang -- again -- Dean groaned and held out his hand. "Give it."

"Dean --"

"Give it!"

Sam sighed and dug his phone out of his pocket with muddy fingers. He handed it over. Dean hit "accept" and put it to his ear.

". . . Yes, I can hear you now. Now unless you've figured out where the hell the damned spirit stashed you, stop freaking calling so we can burn this son of a bitch."

He hung up and resisted the urge to chuck the phone. The crowd of worried Verizon people behind him would just bring it back, anyway.

The phone rang. _Fuck_.

"What?!" Dean paused and straightened. ". . . Seriously? . . . Uh huh. Uh huh. New genes. Well aren't you a lucky bastard. Yeah, we'll be right there." He hung up and shouldered his shotgun.

Sam looked up from the grave. Dean shrugged.

"Fill her back in, guys. Looks like Mr. Network-pants got his ass kidnapped by Supermodelquins." He turned to the rest of the network. "Wrong intel, guys! It's not the ghost of Eva Savealot! Better step up those research skills or Sammy and me are gonna have to check out Sprint's new 4G network!"

* * *

Dean checked the mirror for the umpteenth time that day, his fingers tightening on the wheel.

Sam looked up from his phone. "What?"

"We're being followed."

Sam twisted in his seat. "Dude, for the last time, that's the Verizon network. You _know_ that they're there."

Dean shook his head. "No shit, Sammy. I'm not talking about them."

Sam blinked. "What?" He stared out the back window. "Then where. . . ?"

"Down, to your right. By the side of the road."

Sam shook his head. "I don't see --"

" _Further down_ , dude."

Sam looked again, then grinned. "Oh, that?"

Dean scowled. "Yes, 'that', what the fuck is that thing?"

Sam flopped back in his seat and looked over. "That's the money you could be saving with Geico."

  
_Tell me who's watching. . . ._   


Dean shuddered. "Well. At least it's not that damned Burger King again."

The End

 **Cheat sheet:** [It's a dead zone](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwOTJohWark); [There's an app for that](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szrsfeyLzyg); [Can you hear me now?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6E7whd2KaE)*; [Supermodelquins](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAf1HkKIrzw); [Eva Savealot](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtVmA5qrVFc); [The money you could be saving with Geico](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkGTtBlW458&feature=related); [Burger King](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4_5qoy4oaQ)

* YouTube failed me! I was unable to find a non-spoof version of this ad.


End file.
